For Worse, For Poorer and In Sickness

For some reason, God has placed people in my path over the last month that are having or have recently had "bumps" in their marriage.  And if you are reading this and have been married more than 2 weeks, well, you've probably experienced bumps in your marriage as well!

Bumps are normal.  Bumps are not fun.  Bumps can be big or bumps can be small.  Bumps happen.  The important thing is what we DO with those bumps!

Divorce is rampant these days.  I mean throwing in the towel and walking away just seems like the easy and logical thing to do when our marriages head south, right?  I have personally experienced divorce and I can tell you, it was horrible (even when there were no children involved).

Now here me when I say this...I do not believe you should stay in a marriage if you are being physically abused.  I am sure some who read this will disagree but personally, I would not encourage anyone to stay in a situation when their life and well-being is at stake...I'm sorry, I just don't. 

But if you are not being beaten, then I do believe there is hope.

Wayne and I have certainly experienced our bumps and WE STILL DO!  Some bumps are bigger than others but with God's help, we work through them.  We have put forth the effort to hang on to the "for worse, for poorer and for sickness" part of our marriage vows.

But I want to share something that God has been speaking to me lately.  During your ceremonies (whether big or small; in a church filled with friends or in a courthouse with a judge and a witness), you committed to LOVE and to CHERISH each other. 

Love...it is a word we throw around these days like a pair of shoes we kick of when we walk through our door after work: "oh, I LOVE those jeans", "I just love that truck", "that is the cutest outfit..I just LOVE it".  Can you think of a couple of things that you "JUST LOVE"?  I can!

Love isn't the feeling of butterflies we get when we see our spouse....love is saying YES to our committment!  It is being there in the good and in the bad; in the plenty and in the want; in the failure and in the triumph.  LOVE IS A CHOICE AND DECISION!

And now let's talk about cherish.  What exactly does that mean?  According to Webster's, cherish means to hold dear; to feel or show affection for; to keep or cultivate with care and affection; to entertain or harbor in the mind deeply.

Do something for me.  Think about your spouse this very second.  Do you have them in your mind?  Okay, so what are your thoughts about them (don't say them out loud in case they are sitting near and your thoughts aren't very pleasant)?

There have been times in my marriage that my thoughts of Wayne were anything but good!  And there have been times that those not so good thoughts have lasted days, weeks and at one point, even months.  I would be lying to you if I told you I had never thought of "throwing in the towel" because I have but by the grace of God, He has stepped in and restored what the devil meant to destroy.

You see, during what I feel like was the lowest point in our marriage, Wayne and I had disconnected from each other.  He was travelling with his job all the time and I had two babies at home who I had to take care of.  I guess we still loved each other because of the commitment we had made but he cherished his job and I cherished the kids.  We no longer cherished each other so we became disconnected.  When disconnection happened, things started falling apart slowly and before we knew it, we really didn't even like each other let alone love each other!

But somehow God stepped in and took over.  God sent me to a "retreat" where I heard a wise man say to a group of broken women...."Ladies, you MUST date your spouse throught your marriage.  I know some of you have small children who solely depend on you but if you don't date your spouse and stay connected with him, when those kids grow up and leave your home, you are going to look at your spouse and wonder who in the world they are."  I don't think any truer words have been spoken!

I have a friend whose spouse was unfaithful to her.  When she shared her story with me, I was blown away.  There was one statement she made that will be forever etched in my mind and it was this:  "It was not all his fault that he cheated on me...I was partially to blame".  "Um hello, how do you figure that," I remember thinking!  She went on to explain she had busied her life with her children and grandchildren and shopping and her husband had been moved to the "back-burner".  She said, "I was not there for him when he needed someone to talk to and his secretary was...so I can't blame the entire thing on him."

Talk about a wake up call....

That is so true.  We get so busy doing what WE want or we think we HAVE to do that often our spouses get little if any attention from us (and what they do get is our "leftovers").  We begin cherishing our kids, our jobs, our friends and our hobbies without even realizing it and our husbands or wives get booted out of the picture!

Ask yourself these questions: When was the last time I had affectionate or fond thoughts of my husband or wife?  Do I feel or show fondness toward my man or my woman?  When was the last time I put forth the effort to cultivated my marriage?  Am I always looking for something else to do so I will not be at home with them? 

Depending on your answers, maybe it is time to call the grandparents or get a babysitter and schedule a real live date with your spouse.  I promise you if you will put forth the effort to revitalize your marriage, your spouse will notice and you will begin to see things turn around.  Show them they are worth it!  MAKE TIME for them!

Just something to ponder....

Until next time....



ON A FOOTNOTE: Quit looking for things that your spouse does that irritates the snot out of you.  Believe it or not, you do some things that irritate the snot out of them too!  Let the anger go and forgive them for NOT being there when you needed them.  How do I know you feel this way?  Because I have had the same feelings but until I let the anger and resentment go, our marriage was mediocre at best.  I LOOKED for things that Wayne was doing wrong.  It is not a one time thing...it is a continual forgiving process.  It is a choice I make so you make it too!

ON A FOOTNOTE TO A FOOTNOTE:  Kids are not dumb, they are just little.  My kids could feel the tension between Wayne and I.  Even now, if we are "disagreeing", our kids seem to draw off of that and their behavior shows.  So if you might be at a loss for what is going on with your kids...take a look at your marriage...it will affect them!